In 1988, sci-fi author David Langford posited the idea of a 'basilisk' - an image that crashes the human brain by triggering impossible thoughts. The concept has since been developed further, sometimes including audio in addition to visuals (like in Snow Crash), but for the most part these basilisks are depicted as fractals or other computer-generated imagery. Rob & Jim come to you today with a terrible discovery: the Langford Basilisk is real, and it is Timefighters in the Land of Fantasy. Topics discussed as our synapses break down include bird underwear, surprise fursuits, and the secret altruism of the Pied Piper of Hamelin.
NEXT TIME: There's no escape from the '70s! Save yourselves!
Having finally escaped the Earth, Rob & Jim are dismayed to discover that even space has been corrupted by capitalism! Forced to make ends meet, they begin new careers as Space Truckers, hauling cargo improbable distances for garbage pay. Topics discussed while waiting to be murdered by cyborgs include whether or not you could seal a hull breach with your ass, a particularly nasty math problem involving characters' relative ages, and whether or not Stephen Dorff is even in this movie (on account of having completely forgotten about him).
Next time: FABLES 3000!
After spending some time to brush up on etiquette and update their wardrobes, Rob & Jim are finally ready to make their debut into Society. First they dine, then they discuss proper filmic bookending techniques, when it's appropriate to send a telegram as a punchline to a joke about sending a telegram, and the true origin of the name 'Screaming Mad George.' Also, a bunch of other stuff that we can't make cutesy jokes about without spoiling the movie - if you haven't seen Society, you should totally do that before listening.
Next time: SPACE!
🎵 You can be better than you are... 🎵
🎵 You could be swingin' on a star! 🎵
This movie sucks on toast. Unless you're Patrice Désilets, apparently, in which case we've got our eye on you. Either way, go watch Quest of the Delta Knights instead.
Next time: Lifestyles of the rich & famous!
In a last-ditch effort to save their species from destruction, Rob & Jim use their heretofore unmentioned and thoroughly inexplicable shapeshifting powers to disguise themselves for a meeting with The Applegates.
AND THEN THEY ALL FUCKED.
The end, no moral. Topics discussed at length include digs at forgotten late 90s comedians, a deep dive into the filmography of New World Pictures, and pretty much any other excuse to not talk about Dabney Coleman. Also: we immediately jinx ourselves and pull the worst possible thing! Dark times ahead, folks.
After ten thousand years, we're free! Time to talk about Sinbad!
In this special episode, Rob & Jim conduct an experiment: if you originate from Universe A (BerenstAin), you'll hear an hour-long exploration and discussion of the Mandela Effect, and how it relates to Sinbad's possible appearance in Shazam. If you originate from Universe E (BerenstEin), you'll hear an extended critique of "90s poverty," a public service announcement about drunk pets, and a shocking discovery of the true identity of Ron Glass's character. Plus: You'll never work in this town again, Jeffrey Jones!
The holidays have come around once more, and how better to celebrate than by watching an obscure psychological horror movie about cannibalism? It's 1989's Parents, and the boys are more than happy to tuck right in. Topics sectioned out and lightly braised include the oppressive weirdness of 1950s America, Randy Quaid's absurd sweatiness, and a deep analysis of Bridge strategy. Activity Corner: Guess which one of the hosts was drinking, and win a prize!
Our Boy Rob radios in from the front with a critical message for the Resis-- oh wait no he's just recording a minisode in his work van like a total ding-dong. At least he's not pretending it's the first take and not like the fifth... he is? Is he also complaining about Massachusetts drivers? Goddamnit. We can't air this, cut the mic, CUT THE M
In the unofficial Lost Episode of 2016, Rob & Jim needle each other with terrible jokes while trying desperately to talk about Uninvited, a 90-minute movie about a poisonous mutant cat killing randos on a yacht. This summary is about five times more awesome than the movie actually is. Topics discussed include the state of the Party Camp Cinematic Universe, how to incriminate yourself for a murder you did not actually commit, and whether or not Wing Commander had better cat puppets. Next time: The Ballad of Actual Cannibal Randy Quaid!
CONTENT WARNING: the jokes are really bad, guys
Facing an unprecedented surge in worldwide ant populations, Rob & Jim are dispatched to the latest incident site and given full access to the resources of the Technodrome... but only for 48 hours. After spending two weeks knocking over anthills with a grenade launcher, they engage the dome's defense systems and discover that - due to a slight miscommunication - they're armed with a popular Coldplay single instead of experimental insecticide. The ants eat the flesh from their bones, and the world is devoured by the All-Consuming Overhive. Kind of an improvement, honestly. Up next: an orange cat that hates both Mondays and Clu Gulager!
Emerging from their podcast bunker, Rob & Jim find themselves in a changed world. A world where right is wrong, where truth is falsehood, and where a movie called Phenomena contains few phenomena and a whole lot of nothing. Discussions include how to properly pronounce 'Wagner,' a brief digression on the Halloween series, and what Rob would choose as his supervillain name. There's... not a whole lot else. Next time: ants! ANTS! AAAAAAAANTS!
Having been fans of the theatre for some time, Rob & Jim finally get a chance to Meet the Feebles, and what they discover backstage is truly shocking. Topics discussed include the mechanics of walrus sex, the exact value of a puppet's life, and when it's acceptable to use live ammunition in a movie shoot. Also: the horrors of Puppet Vietnam.
Having sought out the legendary artifact, Rob & Jim open the Lament Configuration and experience a whole new dimension of suffering: the final theatrically-released Hellraiser movie, Hellraiser: Bloodline! Topics carved into their flesh include praise for Doug Bradley's amazing performance, the abridged filmography of Alan Smithee, and whether or not the puzzle box has ever made sense as a prop. Plus: If you would like to hasten Rob & Jim's escape from Hell, please donate one drop of blood per episode to get access to our bonus recordings. For three drops of blood, we will attempt to scream your name from the depths of the ninth circle!
Rob & Jim run afoul of the Gummo Curse, which is to say they've had a very strange week and are also having trouble talking about Gummo. Are these things related? Maybe. Topics briefly touched upon include nihilism, simulated animal cruelty, and fruit flies. Lots and lots and lots of fruit flies. In the process of writing this summary I've killed at least a dozen, so that's how my day is going. How are you? Next time: we're bringing this cube to SPACE!
Rob & Jim have a very special friend they would like to introduce you to. He's... kind of a Santa Claus, but also kind of an uncle? He's My Uncle: The Alien, and he has an important message for you kids about classism. Topics awkwardly raised over Thanksgiving dinner include the complete incompetence of the secret service, when it's appropriate to threaten children with death in a movie intended for kids, and a bizarre digression about aliens that is immediately forgotten about. Also: OUTLAW! LASER! ROBO-GEEK!
Rob & Jim are dispatched to contain The Blob, a movie that is criminally under-evangelized compared to its contemporaries, The Thing and The Fly. The boys have a theory as to why, but they spend most of the episode gushing about the INCREDIBLE special effects, the surprisingly nuanced secondary character interactions, and exactly how much poop needs to be added to water before it officially becomes poopwater. The answer will (probably not) surprise you! Plus: we discover the first canonical appearance of Johnny Fiveaces.
Rob & Jim take flight on a magical pegasus to visit My Little Pony: The Movie, a film that vacillates between 'colorful fun' and 'hypercapitalist nightmare' at the drop of a hat. Topics discussed include the 1980s Hasbro monomyth, when it's okay to sing in a cartoon baby voice (spoiler: fucking never), and whether or not it's possible to stop the Smooze. Also: please welcome our special guest, the King of Grundle Land!
Having been found guilty of nondescript space crimes, Rob & Jim are sentenced to watch The Borrower, a movie that must continually swap heads with other movies in order to limp across the 86-minute finish line. Topics of discussion include surface-level readings of John McNaughton's previous work, when it's appropriate to use a closeup of a dog (vs. a closeup of a dog puppet), and why movies seem to think the 80s were a crime infested murderpit from hell. Up next: Get ready to meet the Grundle King!
Rob & Jim crash land on the Planet of the Vampires and immediately split into two opposing factions. Hotly debated topics include whether the uniforms are really that goofy, the quiet brilliance of otherwise mundane production choices, and a smattering of Neal Stephenson shade. In the end they kill each other over a packet of astronaut ice cream, and their skeletons are discovered thousands of years later by confused and deeply sexist Italian spacemen. Plus: Ice Cube!
Rob & Jim stall for as long as they can, but are eventually forced to discuss Hey Good Lookin', a Ralph Bakshi film in all possible respects. A live existential crisis follows. Topics discussed include the arc of Bakshi's career, how the movie's dialogue isn't terrible (except for all the racism), and why it's sad that Cool World is the "best" Bakshi film. Also: Remember when people thought "Superfly Johnson" was the worst possible name for a black character? Have we got a surprise for you!
Rob & Jim find themselves six feet under with Dead & Buried, and they couldn't be happier. Topics discussed include the senseless slaughter of classic vehicles, whether or not it's appropriate to teach children witchcraft, and the perfect casting of Jack "Grandpa Joe" Albertson as a cheery mortician with a dark secret. Plus: we break our pull streak with the jinx to end all jinxes. STAY TUNED!
Rob & Jim fawn over Superstition, a film containing a scene in which Stacy Keach Sr. is telekinetically buzzsawed in half by a three hundred year old ghost witch. Sure, other insane things happen in this movie - surprise hangings, corpsewater pool parties, uncomfortable parental alcoholism - but it's hard to top. Also: always remember to silence your phone before podcasting, but if you can't, then at least pick a hilariously vulgar ringtone.
Rob & Jim get destroyed by Party Camp, a movie that is barely about partying or camping. Instead, a bunch of nobody scumbags mug for the camera and deliver stupid unearned punchlines, all of which are listed and analyzed in this episode. Every single one. Yes, even the ones about bug fucking. Plus: telepathic hogs!
Rob & Jim witness a careless misuse of the last days of a beloved horror icon, and chart the trajectory of a Japanese* camera company with big dreams and bad ideas. Or possibly bad dreams and big ideas, we're not sure. Also: we've either pulled another fake movie, or a secretly amazing movie.
* not actually Japanese
Rob & Jim get blindsided by Android, a quirky film about a quirky robot and some quirky criminals, one of whom turns out to be a quirky multiple murderer. Topics discussed include laser pornography, how best to sabotage your boss's lunch date, and whether or not all people in the future know Shakespeare. Also: Klaus Kinski's portrayal of a weird German pervert is surprisingly effective.